Doubt.

I dislike arguments. And not the types that arouse anger and malevolence, but the philosophical ones. Because, they, as they are supposed to, present so much doubt to a weak mind. They nearly convince you of one thing, until you read the argument refuting it, which holds nearly as much ground. And before you know it, so much ground is being held that you can hardly understand any of the mess you're standing among. Everyone 'knows' exactly what they are talking about, presenting clashing facts and figures that have both been proven through long years of study.

So, you then wish to study. You wish to understand where all this is coming from, but you know, as always, that years of study will take you precisely where it has taken everyone else: realizing you have no idea. Realizing that where one study begins another study ends and the end of that study leads to another, until you feel so overwhelmed by trying to just learn a bit more that you end up where you started, albeit a tad bit more frightened. I guess that means that in the very beginning, you didn't just dislike arguments, they scared you. 

And that's when you look at arguments and wonder if there is another way to go about things. If it wasn't knowledge that would open up your eyes but perhaps faith, and experience. You might even go as far as to say, I do not know, BUT, I understand where there is joy, and joy that does not seem of this world. And that's where you have to give yourself over. For some odd reason that frightens you. You have placed your hope in intellect, in knowledge, in the proof of things for so long. Perhaps you could even call yourself a Thomas, because what other proof do you have? What else is there except your senses to understand this world? Maybe when you submit yourself it is that confidence that comes from a joy of living. It comes from a love of those around you and of a peace you don't quite understand. You even wonder if what you're enjoying is Him, it has to be. Doesn't it? You've submitted yourself and things are changing. But all you know is that once more doubts creep in as they always have, again putting you back where you started. And once more you are scared, and once more you argue.

-Andrew