I've started up a little notecard sized moleskine for thoughts, and its quickly filling itself up. Essentially, through this weekend of reading and thinking, most of what I've discovered has turned up inside it. I'm going to give a little warning about dwelling too much on what I've put down, because they're just ideas, but imagine what it would look like if I acted on them. Imagine what would happen if I took this progression, and began to pursue righteousness through it.
"Right now, I am completely filled with apathy for Scripture, prayer, Christ... I am even attempting to defy all I have ever been taught by claiming I can find Joy without pursuing Him..."
"I surprised myself yesterday by the definition I gave of myself in a letter (that I never sent, my apologies). I claimed I did not even know God, but whats interesting is that the more I thought about it, the more I realized that that was the case...So then I ask myself why I do not know God...why I might even suppose I never knew Him, my lack of the Spirit? It is the promise of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self control... All of which I so evidently lack. It would also seem that I would be able to keep a manner of stability in the world. For now, I feel am nothing less than the peoples of Israel, cursed to wander after lacking the Faith to trust in God after His miracles. Does that mean God never ceased to pursue them after His own heart? Does that mean His promises were left unkept? Does that mean I could even be a bearer of Faith...or will I just die off as that Faithless generation did?"
"The greatest desire of Christ, for us, is to, of our own free will, fully submit ourselves to His will. Not because Christ has absorbed us, but because we freely conform our wills to His. Servants to Sons. Empty to Overflowing. United to Him but fully distinct... This is why He cannot be Irresistible or Indisputable. That is why he woos."
"(From the Screwtape Letters) 'Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring , but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which ever trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.'-C.S. Lewis... So perhaps today, in the face of doubts, in the face of fear, I will pray for the fullness of the Holy Spirit, because I am so weak, so frail, so scared, and He will always fill those who ask. Hardly for their own glory, but for His own. Allow me to be a vessel of faith."
"'...and then in his joy, went and sold all he had and bought that field...' Will I sell myself to buy the one I've found? For how can you be a believer without that sacrifice? But then again, is it a sacrifice? How is it a sacrifice when you sell it all to gain such an incredible joy as the kingdom of Christ? We not only turn away from that but we know nothing of it. We are satisfied in our despair."
"Christ was born in the most shameful conditions... then forced to become a fugitive... Then God decides to raise up a great prophet... a man in the desert, living off locusts and honey, a disgusting outsider, to prepare the way for the King."
"Christ then fasted, how can we expect not to fast? In fact, it is an expectation, scripture says, 'Whenever (key word) you fast, do not do it as the hypocrites do...so that your fasting will be in secret, and your father in heaven, who sees what is done in secret will reward you."
"Then after forty days of temptation and fasting, He begins His ministry. Would we call Him a fool? Calls the weakest most humble servants...fishermen. Foolish again?"
"The Sermon on the Mount...blesses the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the gentle, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, merciful, pure in heart, peacemakers, persecuted for the sake of righteousness... 'Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great.' 'Whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also...' 'For if you love those who love you what reward do you have?' 'Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth...but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven..for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.' 'No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.'"
"'Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests but the son of man has nowhere to lay His head.' 'Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.' 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.' And the greatest of all...'Truly Truly I say unto you, a slave is not greater than his master, nor is one who is sent greater than the one who sent him.' This is what I am truly called to be as a believer, no...not a believer, a temple, of the Spirit. A wretched beast who was chosen for the glory of the Lord."
"Would I be hungry for the gospel without the comforts of the church?"
"(In regards to eating drinking and clothes) 'For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things...but seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.'"
And thats my week from the perspective of the little black book. Its a tad bit random, but its themed... and I hope that the pieces do begin to click sooner or later.
So, by all that I am so frightened. I do not say it all out of pride...or out of some knowledge of scripture, but as someone who has never been more stricken by the commands of Christ, and their lifestyle. Their contrast is terrifying. Perhaps my lack of joy in Christ has to do with my actions, and the promises He lays out for those actions. I hardly know what to do folks, besides pray and hope that this won't be forgotten tomorrow... That I will never be weaker, so He can be more glorified.
-Andrew
(oh and if you read all that...gold star to you.)
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